When it comes to life, the decisions and choices we make shape our paths. A decision requires thoughtfulness, deliberately eliminating options to select one. A choice, on the other hand, is selecting an option from a set of possibilities. For example, you can choose to be a present father or not.
As a kid, I learned invaluable lessons from my father during our limited time together. He taught me that when someone insults my mother, I should not retaliate with insults. Instead, I should pray for that person, so they do not repeat such behavior. His reasoning was simple yet profound: if I respond with insults, I become no better than the offender. As Michelle Obama wisely said, "When they go low, we go high." My father wanted me to be different, to differentiate myself through exemplary conduct. This upbringing changed my perspective on life, instilling the understanding that I always have the power to decide how to move forward, even in challenging situations.
Now, as a new(ish) father myself, I know firsthand that fatherhood is challenging. Through discussions with friends who are also fathers, I've realized that fatherhood is even more arduous without a role model to look up to – someone who can validate your feelings and guide you through difficult times. Personally, I believe that having your own father as a role model is invaluable when it comes to being a father. Someone you can relate to, who understands you better than you understand yourself.
Unfortunately, not all new fathers have relationships with their own fathers. The absence of a father leaves a void in our hearts, whether due to death or worldly circumstances. My father passed away when I was a young man, and the story I shared is one of the lessons I gained from him while he was alive – a lesson I've carried with me to this day. As a new father, you must understand one thing: your child did not ask to be born.
Accidents may happen, and I know people who genuinely did not expect their child at the time of conception. I believe them, and those friends happen to be present fathers to their children. However, I also know others who have neglected their biological children for their "own reasons" or lack thereof. Let me reiterate: your child did not ask to be born. Thus, your child needs your presence, guidance, and love. You need to choose your child every time.
Think of it this way: you've arranged a date with a significant other. You arrived early, ensuring everything was perfect – roses, the menu, the picture-perfect venue. Then, your date stood you up, without even a courtesy text. It's radio silence, and you never heard from that person again. Without asking, I can safely say this experience would not make you feel happy. You'd likely feel angry, stood up, and lied to. There was an implicit promise between you and your date to meet at a specific time and place, and they broke that promise. Now, let's add another element: the next thing you hear is that your date is seeing someone else. They chose someone else over you.
Now, think about your child. You and the child's mother made the decision to have sex and bear the child. And when that child arrives, you bail. How do you feel? How do you expect the child to feel?
Here's the truth: you have two choices when it comes to being a present father. You can make excuses, or you can choose to be the father your child deserves. Either way, you are deciding.
You may say that because your father was not around, you didn't have a role model to look up to. That's true, and I can't argue with that. As an adult, however, you can decide to become your own father figure, whether your father was present or not. Alternatively, you can take what you learned from your experiences with your father and become ten times better.
If your father was present, use that as inspiration to become an even more involved, trusted, providing, fun, and loving father. If your father was absent, don't use excuses like jail, death, or drug addiction to continue those traumas with your own biological child. As an adult, you had opportunities to work on your traumas before bringing a child into this world.
To overcome your childhood traumas, you could have sought help as an adult and worked on yourself with your partner before deciding to have a baby. If you didn't do that and still chose to have a child, it is your responsibility to be there for that child. You engaged in the act that created the child, so you must raise the child. Stop making excuses and step up.
Being a present father is a choice that requires deliberate effort and commitment. It is not something that happens by default. A child does not choose to be born, so the responsibility falls on the parents, especially the father, to be present and provide guidance, love, and support. Neglecting this responsibility and making excuses, such as having an absent father yourself, is unfair to the child who had no say in being brought into this world.
If a father had an absent or negative role model growing up, he has the opportunity as an adult to break that cycle with his own children. Rather than perpetuating past traumas, a father can choose to become the positive role model he never had, learning from those experiences to be better. This may involve seeking help to work through personal issues before becoming a parent, to ensure readiness for the responsibilities of fatherhood.
A present and involved father creates fond memories and a strong bond with his child that can positively shape the child's life. Children look up to their fathers and carry stories of their time together, which can influence their own future parenting. An engaged father contributes to a child's overall well-being, development, and sense of security in ways that an absent father cannot.
In essence, fatherhood is a conscious choice that requires taking responsibility, breaking negative cycles, and prioritizing a child's needs above one's own past experiences or excuses. The rewards of being a present father can profoundly impact a child's life and create a legacy for future generations.
